birthday celebration

After we sung Happy Birthday we learned an addition to the song... "may you never take birth again..." ha!

How am I not myself?

I've been thinking lately about association. I hear often how important association is, it is by the company I keep that I progress on my path, stagnate, or digress.

The other day I had an interview for a film we're making for the asrama. Once we were finished I got to see a bit of myself speaking on film. As many others, my immediate response was "Is that me?"

On one level the feeling of not recognizing myself can be explained. For example, I never see myself speak, I'm never the observer of myself in conversation and so of course it's a strange thing to witness. When I think deeper, I have more questions. Why do I move my mouth in that way? Where did the expressions on my face, which say more than my words, come from? How did I aquire such things?

A sister of mine said nicely that because we care so much for these temporary bodies and false egos we want so much to be perfect. When we do not meet some ideal of perfection we feel disgusted by what we perceive to be our "self"

The reality of who I am has two coverings. The first is entirely surface, the inert matter of my physical body which I falsely think is "me" and the second, subtle covering, the subtle body which comprises my mind, false ego, and intelligence.

Once my soul leaves this material body composed of the five elements: ether, air, fire, water, and earth, it becomes useless and decays.

The subtle body which many people aren't even aware of, is covering my soul. This subtle body contains my mind, intelligence, and false ego.

We often hear ourselves saying "This is just who I am." Usually it’s in some defense of not wanting to be anything else. But, even on this material level, who is this person I'm defending? Which influences are present in my character? Is there anything on the surface that is my own? Why do I have these opinions and preferences?

The deepest reality is that I am a spirit soul completely covered by illusion (maya - that which is not). This spark of my true spiritual form rests in my heart and is the animating force of my existence. My atma (soul), is perfect, and my desire to be perfect surely reflects the reality of who I am, but do not realize.

Bhagavad Gita 2.20:

na jayate mriyate va kadacin
nayam bhutva bhavita va na bhuyah
ajo nityah sasvato yam purano
na hanyate hanyamane sarire

"The soul neither takes birth nor dies, nor does he experience repeated creation or growth. He is unborn, eternal, ever-existing. Though primeval, he remains ever-youthful. When the body is destroyed, the soul is not destroyed."

I can't help but be reminded of the I <3 Huckabees question: How am I not myself?
Some friends and I used to endlessly quote this from the aboved mentioned film.

How am I not myself?
How am I not myself?
How am I not myself?

Unfortunately, we'll never come to the real answer on our own.

This brings me back to association. In this one life, I've chosen certain books to read, certain friends, jobs, entertainment, etc. All of these involve association with particular personalities. I am an ever-changing work of creation. That is, materially, my mind, intelligence, and false ego are always undergoing transformations.
It follows that by my choice, my God given free will, I can choose my assocation, I can choose which habits I want to adpot and which I want to reject.

The more I choose assocation that encourages my greatest good, my spiritual development, the more I will come to develop spiritual qualities. Eventually, under the guidance of a self-realized soul, by this process, like churning milk into butter, I will come to know my true eternal nature.

Here comes the Sun...

There's monkey business in Vrndavan, no really, I mean it. I had been warned not to wear my glasses outside. Considering I mostly wear contacts it wasn't a great effort to make.

One day I took a walk while wearing glasses, forgetting the good advice I'd received. I made it not even a quarter of a mile from the temple and suddenly I felt something very heavy on my chest. It was all too quick to really interpret. In the next moment the monkey jumped off and I didn't have my glasses. Can you imagine? It must have been such a wild sight! Immediately, some young Indian boys came running from the opposite direction, with an apple in hand, the trade good of the hour. The apple was thrown up, and glasses came down.

Most people carry around a wooden stick when they go out, for monkey protection. The funny thing is, when I first saw one of these sticks I thought they were bamboo flutes and I asked myself "Why is everyone carrying a flute, does it have something to do with Krsna, will I carry one too?" haha
On more than one occasion monkeys have taken our food while leaving the market. The other day when a rascal took our yogurt, an older indian lady went running after him down the alley. I went running behind her thinking "Yeah! Let’s get him!" It ended in him squeezing the bag even tighter, as to say "It's mine!"

I still haven't managed to get one of those sticks but I did get a bamboo flute!

We've been taking music classes every week and I love it.
We always use mrdanga and kartalas in our bhajans, so there's a deep purpose for learning. This is something I feel I always need in order to motivate my practice.
We learn with mantras which makes more sense to me than sheet music. For example, on the mrdanga, we are given a mantra so that while we are playing we are simultaneously saying the mantra.

Let me tell you about our Christmas. All of us girls in the asrama and several others living in Vrndavan decided to take a boat ride on our Yamuna River. As if it could get any better than that, we had kirtan and the setting sun along with us.
(kirtan is congregational singing and chanting of the Lord's holy names)

Asrama life is busy as usual. It seems every day gets filled to the brim with activities. Whether its classes, study, service, or adventure. We have lovely Sunday meetings where we sit around and have sweets and herbal tea and talk about the upcoming week.
On New Year’s Eve there was a full moon and an eclipse, and a pizza party! We stayed up throughout the night singing bhajans in the temple room.

In this New Year, I'd like to recognize the sun as a divine reminder of my spiritual position. Recently, while doing some corrections for a new book, I came upon such a beautiful analogy.

Gurudeva was asked: Does Sri Guru and Krsna have unconditional love for us?

Gurudeva replies: The sun is shining in the sky. Does he make any condition before giving his nourishing light and heat? However, if anyone does not come in front of the sun and instead remains in the shade, how can the sun give that person its heat and light? You may think that this is conditional, but really this is not. Krsna, Guru, and Vaisnavas give their mercy in this way.

and further, in another conversation he says,

"Suppose a man is in a room but he wants to see the sun; he wants the sun-rays to come to him. How will the sun come to him if he doesn't leave his room?"

It seems the sun is an ever-fresh example for *illuminating* deep meaning. We must open our doors and windows and step outside if we want to be graced by the daylight.

In this world so often we stay in the darkness. While every day, like it or not, the sun is rising, making no condition for us.
We're so absorbed in material concerns sometimes we do not even have the time to sit in awe of the sun's wonder.
What is this sun? Why is it always giving us the light we need to survive?

I used to read books on indigenous tribes of the world, thinking they knew something we didn't know (we, being my perspective as a western American devoid of any true culture or sense of place in the world). I remember reading about a people who acknowledged the sun shinning through the window as a living entity. As the sun-rays entered the window, dust particles dancing in its light, a reverent glance was given to the presence.
I was struck by it then, and still now.

Children seem to be asking the most crucial questions and expecting us "grown-ups" to know. My question is this: Why are we spending so much time solving the problems of our bank account, our new car, our next vacation, even so-called conscious people are still materially inquiring how to save the world, which shoes are more environmentally friendly, ad infinitum... and we don't even know how to answer our children's questions?

Where do babies come from? Why am I here? Where will I go when I die?

Somehow we've managed to convince ourselves that these questions don't matter. Or maybe we've assumed they cannot be answered and so we give up, or maybe we take for granted the answers we think we have, but still we're suffering and unsatisfied.

I do remember a significant lesson my father illustrated to me when I was 11 yrs old. He pointed to our fish tank at the time and said, "The way I see this fish tank is different from the way you see it, we're seeing two different tanks, from our individual perspectives."

In the same way, some of us never notice when sun-rays decide to peep into a corner of our room, while some others may bow in reverence.

Why all of these differences? Does it have anything to do with consciousness?

If I only have one life, then why with such inconceivable precision am I this one person? Why in one country over another was I born?
Come on, this is too important not to ask.

But whom should I ask?

With this question I'll end with a verse I recently learned:

Bhagavad Gita 4.34:

tad viddhi pranipatena
pariprasnena sevaya
upadeksyanti te jnanam
jnaninas tattvah-darsinah

Approach the spiritual master, offer him obeisances, submissvely inquire by asking relevant questions, and render service unto him. He can enlighten you with this jnana (transcendental knowledge) because he has realized the Absolute Reality.