How am I not myself?

I've been thinking lately about association. I hear often how important association is, it is by the company I keep that I progress on my path, stagnate, or digress.

The other day I had an interview for a film we're making for the asrama. Once we were finished I got to see a bit of myself speaking on film. As many others, my immediate response was "Is that me?"

On one level the feeling of not recognizing myself can be explained. For example, I never see myself speak, I'm never the observer of myself in conversation and so of course it's a strange thing to witness. When I think deeper, I have more questions. Why do I move my mouth in that way? Where did the expressions on my face, which say more than my words, come from? How did I aquire such things?

A sister of mine said nicely that because we care so much for these temporary bodies and false egos we want so much to be perfect. When we do not meet some ideal of perfection we feel disgusted by what we perceive to be our "self"

The reality of who I am has two coverings. The first is entirely surface, the inert matter of my physical body which I falsely think is "me" and the second, subtle covering, the subtle body which comprises my mind, false ego, and intelligence.

Once my soul leaves this material body composed of the five elements: ether, air, fire, water, and earth, it becomes useless and decays.

The subtle body which many people aren't even aware of, is covering my soul. This subtle body contains my mind, intelligence, and false ego.

We often hear ourselves saying "This is just who I am." Usually it’s in some defense of not wanting to be anything else. But, even on this material level, who is this person I'm defending? Which influences are present in my character? Is there anything on the surface that is my own? Why do I have these opinions and preferences?

The deepest reality is that I am a spirit soul completely covered by illusion (maya - that which is not). This spark of my true spiritual form rests in my heart and is the animating force of my existence. My atma (soul), is perfect, and my desire to be perfect surely reflects the reality of who I am, but do not realize.

Bhagavad Gita 2.20:

na jayate mriyate va kadacin
nayam bhutva bhavita va na bhuyah
ajo nityah sasvato yam purano
na hanyate hanyamane sarire

"The soul neither takes birth nor dies, nor does he experience repeated creation or growth. He is unborn, eternal, ever-existing. Though primeval, he remains ever-youthful. When the body is destroyed, the soul is not destroyed."

I can't help but be reminded of the I <3 Huckabees question: How am I not myself?
Some friends and I used to endlessly quote this from the aboved mentioned film.

How am I not myself?
How am I not myself?
How am I not myself?

Unfortunately, we'll never come to the real answer on our own.

This brings me back to association. In this one life, I've chosen certain books to read, certain friends, jobs, entertainment, etc. All of these involve association with particular personalities. I am an ever-changing work of creation. That is, materially, my mind, intelligence, and false ego are always undergoing transformations.
It follows that by my choice, my God given free will, I can choose my assocation, I can choose which habits I want to adpot and which I want to reject.

The more I choose assocation that encourages my greatest good, my spiritual development, the more I will come to develop spiritual qualities. Eventually, under the guidance of a self-realized soul, by this process, like churning milk into butter, I will come to know my true eternal nature.