Thursday, November 26, 2009

Did I mention...

in the photo below, we're climbing that mountain without shoes? I'll never forget that day because every few steps I would get a thorn in my foot!
It was so beautiful though and well worth a little pain. That same mountain took us to Krsna's slide, which is the photograph where you see us with raised arms sliding down the rock. When I sat down I put my hands on the rock, and someone was yelling "hands up, hands up, surrender!" and everyone was laughing.

A lot of our classes recently have been centered around these two essential points. The first is mercy, krpa. When seemingly ill events enter my life, or unwanted circumstances, I have the opportunity for a great choice. I can either choose to lament, to ask "O why me?" which can lead to so much anger and resentment which in turn leads to more suffering.
Another choice, the highest choice, is accepting that which comes to us as mercy from Krsna. It is both karma, and mercy. On one hand, what I sow I reap, we see this in nature, and I am not exempt. I can be sure that I completely contributed to the suffering I feel is being inflicted upon me. This is tough. I don't want to be responsible, do I? I'm so deluded that somehow I think blaming and criticizing others will solve my problems, this is my misfortune. This is just the sort of reaction that got me into the predicament to begin with. What to do?

When I realize that I'm getting the medicine which cleans this wound of cause and reaction, my suffering begins to turn sweet. It's not that I want to suffer, no absolutely not, on the contrary I want to enjoy ever so much, which is what I do, and it's this very attitude which causes others to suffer. So when I realize my suffering is sweet, I realize my real position, I realize that if taken with the right consciousness I deserve everything I'm getting. It's so hard to accept, I'll fail miserably time and again, but slowly, slowly this is what brings humility.

How hard these instructions can be, can you imagine willingly saying "Bring it on, give me mercy, even if it means I lose everything I think is mine"
It is exactly my problem that I think anything is mine to begin with, it is Krsna's. I am in this fallen position because I'm rejecting the service of Radha and Krsna for the endless cycle of self-serving material existence. How much have I served myself today? How much have I served the only One who gave me the ability to enjoy? How's that bank account looking? How much do I owe?

And what to speak of surrender, will I ever have one drop of that kind of humility? That kind of humility is only seen in a Sadhu (saint) that takes everything he's given, and doesn't ask for any more or less, just takes everything as mercy and says "O Radha how can I serve you?" This is what my Gurudeva is always doing. Meanwhile, I raise my hands on Krsna's slide in pretense of surrender and complain whenever something doesn't go my way. Ha!

My notebooks are filled with instructions I admire deeply but cannot fulfill. We have been blessed to have so many amazing classes. In the morning we have been studying a book verse by verse together, and another book in the evening. Once a week we have another study group on the Bhagavad-Gita, and it's really amazing. We're learning Sanskrit verses and having fun trying to say the words correctly. Mantra is actually a purification of the mind, the word actually means, to free the mind. I can really feel the affect when I'm repeating a verse over and over all day, it takes away all mundane thoughts.

In our morning class yesterday we were given a beautiful metaphor concerning our inability to taste the sweetness and nectar of the holy name. Gurudeva says if our hearts were pure we couldn't say one holy name without being in complete bliss. This defect was compared to having jaundice. When you have jaundice you can't taste anything sweet, and in fact sweetness tastes bad. In order to cure yourself you must take some sweet candy daily. In the same way, we have no taste for chanting, we do not relish it but slowly, slowly, as we're purified that sweetness may come.

We are still at the stage of being fancy animals. It's funny that even animals enjoy better than we do. They have more babies, they can eat more without a care, bees are more socially organized than we are, often their senses are even sharper, such as a dog's ability to smell. We're doing all the same activities but we just put on a fancy coat. We eat in nice restaurants and with silver spoons, we toilet in nice bathrooms, a man takes a woman to a beautiful hotel, all of this but what makes us different? Aren't we here for something more? Who am I? How did I ever take this ineffable creation for granted? Why are we suffering? Who is the creator?

A few days ago, some of us went to distribute books in a nearby city, it was so strange to leave the bubble of ashram life and I didn't realize how much I was being supported and nurtured until I left. We went to five-star hotels trying to distribute books about the nature of the soul, how strange it was!
The hotel managers were actually extremely kind and polite, they were glad to take some books to hand out and a couple even gave us their emails to possibly come visit Vrndavan. I was amazed to see how receptive they were, in the U.S. I can't imagine the manager of a hotel being so easily available and interested. Perhaps, that's just my lack of faith. On the other hand, when we approached westerners it was a little more difficult. It was such a bizarre experience to see myself on the other side of who I am now. Generally, I have always been interested in books and spirituality but in the past if there was someone with Christian books, I would have waved them off so thoughtlessly. It's not the same, but it's not terribly different.(Actually, a few Christian writers really helped me get to where I am, Thomas Merton, St.Teresa, The Cloud of Unknowing jumped right out at me and told me I wanted to live a life of devotion and, by the way, have you ever heard that Jesus was in India? Or notice how similar Christ is the Sanskrit Krsta/Krsna?)

At the end of the day it was a very inspiring experience, of course I want to share books with others that are daily inspiring me. My entire life has been taking me here, and if I can help even one person feel the joy I have felt upon discovering this beautiful Truth, then my life will be successful.

I'll end with a verse I recently learned:

Bhagavad-Gita 7.7
Mattah parataram nanyat
kincid asti dhananjaya
mayi sarvam idam protam
sutre main-gana iva

O conqueror of wealth, there is no truth superior to Me. Everything rests upon me, as pearls are strung on a thread.

Sunday, November 8, 2009

hari bol




Finally out of the masses (near 2000 on the parikrama) and into the ashram. We are still getting settled in and learning the flow of our daily lives. As far as our standard schedule:
4am - Wake
5am - Arati (this is the auspiscious invocation as we and Radha-Krsna rise. We offer prayers in the form of song, Bhajans)
5:30- 6:30 free time, best used for chanting on our japa/beads.
6:30 - 7:30 Bhajans (We sit together before our deities and sing beautiful prayers written by realized souls, with drum and cymbals, or better known here as mrdanga and kartalas)
7:30 - 8:30 hour class, Hari-Katha (talk of God), on various books/topics
8:30 Guru puja, (puja means worship) paying our respects to Gurudeva and our spiritual lineage
9 - 12 This time includes breakfast Prasadam (Krsna's mercy) and also our morning services, which can include helping in the kitchen, cleaning, publishing work, study.
12 - Noon Arati (in the same way monasteries gather throughout the day for prayer, we do five times a day, and two classes, which makes 7 times)
12:30 - Lunch Prasadam
1-4:30 - same as morning time, time for our services
4:30 - Bhajans
5:30 - 6:30 - Hari-Katha class
7:00 - Evening Arati
7:30 - Dinner Prasadam
Already I've been able to engage in so many services. I've even been able to transcribe some of Gurudeva's morning walks. I am so excited about this and feel so much gratitiude to be able to help in any way. The days can be long and it can be hard to find time for everything I may want to do, but what I need, I'm getting. Which is a strong spiritual routine that doesn't allow me to forget why my heart has brought me here.
Today I was cleaning the outside of Thakurgi's (Radha-Krsna) alter door as it was closed. It was such a sweet feeling to be on the outside of the closed doors, polishing the door of that which I cannot truly see.
I felt it was very representive of the position we're actually in. The door of our hearts is closed, the door to God is closed, and it's no one's fault but our own. Here in the ahsram we are trying to be of some service what rests beyond the door, however poor our work may be, we are trying to do it with love.
This love, when it becomes clean and pure, can open the door of our hearts which is also the door to Radha-Krsna. Living in an ashram gives us the opportunity to cleasne our hearts in this way. It's like rubbing rough rocks together. It can be so difficult but we know that eventually we will be smooth and truly soft of heart. Only then will we have any right to know our true spiritual constitution.
Our spiritual pain is our most honest pain, and the only pain we're ever really experiencing.
Somehow, this separation, is supposed be sweet. We're always hearing about the sweetness of separation, and how it is actually superior to the meeting because in serparation we can be completely absorbed in the subject of our longing. This is Radha's position, in separation she thinks of Krsna always, she sees him everywhere, in the trees and sky and experiences the unimaginable prema (love) of her separation. Sometimes when Krsna is right before her, she is in such a high state of love that she can completely forget he is right before her. These emotions cannot be understood by our material minds. And although I know I cannot grasp it, I did feel some kind of sweetness on the other side of that door today and that's enough for the moment to keep me smiling.







Tuesday, November 3, 2009

The Truth will set you Free

Faith is everything. It is by faith that we can attain our deepest desire and goal.
Mundane and dry knowledge cannot go there, they do not have access to the sweetness we so crave.
This body and mind are part of the world that comes and goes. A baby is born, she grows, she matures, she reproduces, she grows old, and then dies.
Why am I here? And what animates this material body?

The soul. The soul is separate from from all these decaying things. It is explained that we have a gross material body, and beneath that we have a subtle body. Our gross body is comprised of the five material elements, ether, air, fire, water, and earth. This subtle body is comprised of our intelligence, mind, and false ego. Our subtle body is shaped by the impressions of our lives.
When this gross body no longer works, we go to another body, and by our deeds and impressions, nature decides the appropriate placement. It is more like changing clothes, and we'll be surprised to learn it at the time of death! Prabhupada said "It is as if I were dreaming, when I wake up there is still "I" but the same body isn't there."
Beneath our subtle body is the soul, described as one ten thousandth of a tip of a hair.
It's like a coconut, the skin being the body, the white fruit the subtle body, and the juice the soul.
Who is this soul? Do I know my own soul at all? And where exactly is it trying to go?


These are questions that lead one on the search for Truth, which in Absolute form is Krsna as the Supreme personality of God. It's hard for us to imagine that there is one root to the diverse expressions and expansions of life. It's like a huge banyan tree, the canopies used to be miles long!
When we see one part of one leaf, it's hard to imagine the branch upon which is rests, what to speak of the root? That doesn't mean it's not there. But when we start wondering how this leaf gets its greenness and it life, it's nourishment, we start to follow one leaf to another, branch to trunk, trunk to root. This is the way to inquire.
And when we see a tree reflected in water, the roots are actually up, and this is the way reality is, truth comes down. Our position is more like the flickering reflection but in our conditioned state the gross material tree seems more real with our material senses.

For so long I had the idea that I was the master, that I was the subject. I've slowly come into the realization that in fact I am the object and Krsna is the Supreme subject. He is the Energetic, and I am the energy. When I move my arm, that is energy, but I have to direct it to do so.
Everything is emanating from him. This is very hard to understand, and it's only the tip of the iceberg. This entire planet in fact has a root, this root is in India and in my relentless search I came to somehow know it as such.

My life has changed and daily my consciousness is being reformed. It's fascinating to look back. It's amazing to hear the stories of people from every corner of the world and how they came to be here.
It's like coming home or rather coming upon the road to home. I lived on this planet thinking that everything must remain a mystery. Even though I was always searching, I feel there was some innate assumption that I wouldn't find anything. I had no idea I could actually find everything I was looking for. I had no idea I could find real answers to the questions we all have. Furthermore, having found it means having had the faith and humility and mercy to accept it, which I never imagined I had. But still, I have so very little otherwise I wouldn't be in the conditioned state I'm in. Of course, the road to Truth isn't easy or free of doubt.

Everybody's gotta serve somebody, remember that Dylan song? Can we live on earth without serving? Have you tried? Service is actually the constitutional position of the soul, it yearns to serve but we just can't figure out what it is/who it is we really yearn to serve. My soul, part an parcel of the Supersoul, yearns to serve him and his inner potency Radha, the most merciful.

Coming to find my Gurudeva has given me everything, in the fullest sense of the word. I don't even understand the extent of it, and only have deep faith and experience which tells me my very soul is in his hands. How strange and scary this sounds to the western world. How completely foreign it must seem. Yet, Guru, the giver, is the oldest and truest way of approaching the Truth. In the same way, had I never met my father I would have to take my mother's word concerning his identity. I must also accept the word of the greater authority who is in a position of knowing why I am here.

This isn't a blind process. It's painfully lucid. You inquire, and you are given answers, it's up to you to decide how satisfied you are with them. If you're not satisfied, if your heart doesn't start dancing and spinning, in joy and in bewilderment, then perhaps you are still on the search.

Gurudeva said himself that if a Guru cannot clear the doubt of a disciple he is not a bonafide Guru. It is very rare to find. How could someone as undeserving as I ever come under his shelter and upon my life's goal?

Karma. You know, it's a word my parents used to use when I was young. I sort of took it for granted in the same way we take all the significant sayings. "What goes around, comes around" "Treat others as you'd want to be treated"
Every action has an equal and opposite reaction indeed. What I choose to do in this life creates impressions for my next. It's amazing when you start to deeply ask yourself why you're here, but it's even more amazing when you touch upon answers that start waking up what you already knew.
You start to wonder, how did this happen so quickly, as if it was always there?
Ah! but it was, only covered.

Still, we are covered by this false ego. Even when I found out I wasn't this body and that I travel through many lives and forms to seek my creator, and relationship with him, I still have an enormous task ahead of me. At this stage of realization it is mixed with intellect, and not yet of pure heart.
So through actions we acquire reactions. And until we decide we want to inquire about this process, we will continue to experience the rewards of pious activities and pains of sinful activities. In the Vedas (the oldest/eternal scriptures) all these things are given. There is actually more than one heaven and hell, and more than that there is something much greater than heaven. The heavens still reside in the material creations.

So what have I been doing for the past month?

Drinking the sweet nectar of the Truth... or trying to! Chanting the holy names which give freedom from the cycle of karma. The mind is restless going from one thing to another, always forgetting God. So in this age of Kali (time of quarrel and hypocrisy) the only way to control the mind is to chant the Holy names of Krsna.

It is not our aim to get rid of the senses as many impersonalists believe. We believe the senses are real, and directed properly can give the greatest joy and gift of life. In fact, the human body is meant for such inquiry.
So we are redirecting our senses to the spiritual realities. It is said that knowledge and renunciation are not the highest paths. Devotion is, that is Bhakti, pure loving devotion to Radha Krsna, the divine couple. Everything is for them. They are our everything.
Relationship is real, love is real, it's only our focus which is wrong. It's only our aim to take and not to give which gets us trapped.

On this planet we can only exploit. No matter how hard we try, and I sincerely tried as an environmentalist, we cannot escape exploitation.

Why is this?

This planet is actually the place of exploitation. Even in more pure times, we're still exploiting and we're still killing in the name of our own pleasure, as our own masters who want to enjoy this life in some way.
I'm on a path of realizing nothing is mine, and if I use everything in the service of Gurudeva and the Absolute Truth, then transcendentally I can begin to approach the Truth which is my soul's desire. It's actually a blessing to be in Kali Yuga, when every moment we see the decay of cultures, countries, traditions, relationships, land, etc. Because of this obvious suffering we are in a position to see it quickly and ask, why?

By the way there are four ages (yugas) on this material planet, four, just like the seasons. We're in the last one, which is the worst, at the end of this one, after the submergence of water and purification, the cycle continues from the purest age, the Age of Truth.

The soul never dies, it only travels based on its actions. If it reaches the spiritual sky, it never leaves or comes back to the material worlds.

During the pure age, people know why they're here. They know this planet is more like an airport than a destination and spiritual life is like breathing. To many people in India it still is like breathing. From morning to night the purpose of one's life is to serve God and attain his abode. This is in fact the meaning of Yoga, to unite, we are in a position to choose what we want, this is the free will we have.
If we want to enjoy material existence, we're allowed for as long as we want. Eventually, we get frustrated, and through our sins and fruitless search we cultivate an aversion to the way we've been living. Somethings missing, no? And then, knock knock, and doors open, wherever you are on your journey, that spiritual door opens.

So, we've been chanting, and hearing Hari-Katha, hearing the divine transcendental pastimes of the Lord. These are enacted by him 5000 yrs ago in India, as an exact replication of those activities in the spiritual realm. Krsna comes to remind us why we're here.
By hearing and walking to the holy places we begin to develop our spiritual senses and pray deeply that a drop of mercy will touch us so that we may truly understand what is being given by Gurudeva.
For a month we spent our days walking barefoot through the streets and villages of Vrndavan and Govardhan. After a beautiful month we will now spend some time in the ashram serving and learning more in a concentrated intimate environment. We met great people from all over the world and have more invitations than we could dream of fulfilling at this point!

These are just some of my thoughts. I don't know who is reading and I never aim to offend anyone, this is some of the Truth as I've come to understand it, repeated from those authorities I pay my obeisances to. I hope it brings you some joy and more questions ;) By the way, part of what brought me here was the spiritual tool called the "enneagram" it goes about showing you nine basic personality types, which also has roots in the Vedas, when you see that every ninth person is just like you, you start really wanting to know who is beyond this ego. Again, may sound far out but it served as catalyst to my awakening. Infinitely more important than that I recommend the Bhagavad-Gita As it is by A.C. Bhaktivedanta Swami Prabhupada.

It's in the nature of the mind to accept and reject. It's humbling to remember all the things we rejected before greater understanding we then accepted. Even if God stood right in front of us, we wouldn't recognize him, because we don't have the proper eyes. Imperfect senses produce imperfect conclusions. I aim to seek perfection through surrender. One sweet life, I pray to completely surrender to the Truth.
Truth means: to remember.

What are you trying to remember?

Hare Krsna

Sunday, November 1, 2009

a taste

Here is an ever so small taste of the last month. More soon.