Did I mention...

in the photo below, we're climbing that mountain without shoes? I'll never forget that day because every few steps I would get a thorn in my foot!
It was so beautiful though and well worth a little pain. That same mountain took us to Krsna's slide, which is the photograph where you see us with raised arms sliding down the rock. When I sat down I put my hands on the rock, and someone was yelling "hands up, hands up, surrender!" and everyone was laughing.

A lot of our classes recently have been centered around these two essential points. The first is mercy, krpa. When seemingly ill events enter my life, or unwanted circumstances, I have the opportunity for a great choice. I can either choose to lament, to ask "O why me?" which can lead to so much anger and resentment which in turn leads to more suffering.
Another choice, the highest choice, is accepting that which comes to us as mercy from Krsna. It is both karma, and mercy. On one hand, what I sow I reap, we see this in nature, and I am not exempt. I can be sure that I completely contributed to the suffering I feel is being inflicted upon me. This is tough. I don't want to be responsible, do I? I'm so deluded that somehow I think blaming and criticizing others will solve my problems, this is my misfortune. This is just the sort of reaction that got me into the predicament to begin with. What to do?

When I realize that I'm getting the medicine which cleans this wound of cause and reaction, my suffering begins to turn sweet. It's not that I want to suffer, no absolutely not, on the contrary I want to enjoy ever so much, which is what I do, and it's this very attitude which causes others to suffer. So when I realize my suffering is sweet, I realize my real position, I realize that if taken with the right consciousness I deserve everything I'm getting. It's so hard to accept, I'll fail miserably time and again, but slowly, slowly this is what brings humility.

How hard these instructions can be, can you imagine willingly saying "Bring it on, give me mercy, even if it means I lose everything I think is mine"
It is exactly my problem that I think anything is mine to begin with, it is Krsna's. I am in this fallen position because I'm rejecting the service of Radha and Krsna for the endless cycle of self-serving material existence. How much have I served myself today? How much have I served the only One who gave me the ability to enjoy? How's that bank account looking? How much do I owe?

And what to speak of surrender, will I ever have one drop of that kind of humility? That kind of humility is only seen in a Sadhu (saint) that takes everything he's given, and doesn't ask for any more or less, just takes everything as mercy and says "O Radha how can I serve you?" This is what my Gurudeva is always doing. Meanwhile, I raise my hands on Krsna's slide in pretense of surrender and complain whenever something doesn't go my way. Ha!

My notebooks are filled with instructions I admire deeply but cannot fulfill. We have been blessed to have so many amazing classes. In the morning we have been studying a book verse by verse together, and another book in the evening. Once a week we have another study group on the Bhagavad-Gita, and it's really amazing. We're learning Sanskrit verses and having fun trying to say the words correctly. Mantra is actually a purification of the mind, the word actually means, to free the mind. I can really feel the affect when I'm repeating a verse over and over all day, it takes away all mundane thoughts.

In our morning class yesterday we were given a beautiful metaphor concerning our inability to taste the sweetness and nectar of the holy name. Gurudeva says if our hearts were pure we couldn't say one holy name without being in complete bliss. This defect was compared to having jaundice. When you have jaundice you can't taste anything sweet, and in fact sweetness tastes bad. In order to cure yourself you must take some sweet candy daily. In the same way, we have no taste for chanting, we do not relish it but slowly, slowly, as we're purified that sweetness may come.

We are still at the stage of being fancy animals. It's funny that even animals enjoy better than we do. They have more babies, they can eat more without a care, bees are more socially organized than we are, often their senses are even sharper, such as a dog's ability to smell. We're doing all the same activities but we just put on a fancy coat. We eat in nice restaurants and with silver spoons, we toilet in nice bathrooms, a man takes a woman to a beautiful hotel, all of this but what makes us different? Aren't we here for something more? Who am I? How did I ever take this ineffable creation for granted? Why are we suffering? Who is the creator?

A few days ago, some of us went to distribute books in a nearby city, it was so strange to leave the bubble of ashram life and I didn't realize how much I was being supported and nurtured until I left. We went to five-star hotels trying to distribute books about the nature of the soul, how strange it was!
The hotel managers were actually extremely kind and polite, they were glad to take some books to hand out and a couple even gave us their emails to possibly come visit Vrndavan. I was amazed to see how receptive they were, in the U.S. I can't imagine the manager of a hotel being so easily available and interested. Perhaps, that's just my lack of faith. On the other hand, when we approached westerners it was a little more difficult. It was such a bizarre experience to see myself on the other side of who I am now. Generally, I have always been interested in books and spirituality but in the past if there was someone with Christian books, I would have waved them off so thoughtlessly. It's not the same, but it's not terribly different.(Actually, a few Christian writers really helped me get to where I am, Thomas Merton, St.Teresa, The Cloud of Unknowing jumped right out at me and told me I wanted to live a life of devotion and, by the way, have you ever heard that Jesus was in India? Or notice how similar Christ is the Sanskrit Krsta/Krsna?)

At the end of the day it was a very inspiring experience, of course I want to share books with others that are daily inspiring me. My entire life has been taking me here, and if I can help even one person feel the joy I have felt upon discovering this beautiful Truth, then my life will be successful.

I'll end with a verse I recently learned:

Bhagavad-Gita 7.7
Mattah parataram nanyat
kincid asti dhananjaya
mayi sarvam idam protam
sutre main-gana iva

O conqueror of wealth, there is no truth superior to Me. Everything rests upon me, as pearls are strung on a thread.